…the back story
I’m Ranisha, I’m originally from Illinois and now I live in Tennessee.
It wasn’t until I moved to the south that I felt so condemned at being a single parent. As if its not already something I’m ashamed of.
My mother was married to my father when she became conceived with me and my siblings. But he was incarcerated both before and after….. Back then they were allowed conjugal visits in prison. So I wasn’t living in a two parent home exactly. I saw my mother’s difficult times in raising us alone. She’d always speak on how Important it was to keep the father in the home. So I’m aware of the importance of a healthy union between a man, woman and child.
Now 23, Here living in TN, I often feel alone and feel judged by others for not doing it the right way….. Partnered with someone that I’ve spent years with, gotten married and created a financial foundation to better provide for my family.
“We can plan a pretty picnic but we can’t predict the weather”. – Andre Benjamin
I dreamed of having a lovely big family as a young lady. I still envision that structure. but it doesn’t always happen that way.
I’ve ended up becoming a mother yet again for the second time. This time it has made me feel disappointed because after my first (kayora ,8 yrs old daughter) I seriously thought I knew better and had more self control. I now have (Seven, 3 mo old boy) I love my children more than anything in the world. It’s disappointing in myself that I can’t offer them that structure they, just as any other child deserves.
Seven years ago at the age 14 I became involved in a relationship with a friend of my. My first love, obviously not the right love. We dated for a year and I decided I wanted out of the relationship after being lied to, I decided before I knew that I was expecting. I didn’t find out until I was 4 months just moving back from tn, to Illinois. Because I had broken up with him and moved he felt skeptical as to whether he was her father. Yet he knew I was pregnant before I knew. He started a rumor while I was away no longer living in Illinois. After Kayora was born we tried again to be together but the love was lost.
Between the ages of 14-18 I raised Kayora alone. My mother provided shelter but due to the fact I couldn’t find proper employment we would often fall out (argue). I’d run away to live with friends. By the time I became 18 years old, I began working at a nightclub as a promoter & dancer. There is where I many aspiring music producers & artist. Through them is where I found my passion for music.
My daughter was 3yrs old. My sister three years younger than me would look after her as I would earn my living at these clubs.
It had been six months of my working there when I decided I no longer wanted that life as a mother, especially to a little girl. I gave it up. Two months later I attended a graduation party May 29 I was invited to a block party/ graduation party for some old friends back in one of my old town homes where I once lived and attended middle school. That night a fight arose and I was shot and paralyzed. I had lost my mobility to walk. There had been no recovery, no surgery. The bullets still remain inside one, my spinal cord and my right foot.
Now a mother with a disability and no more than a high school education, and not much work experience it has become lonesome and stressful. My disappointment in myself often results in depression and much of an isolation (hermit like) living. I never wanted to ask for help. Afraid of being a burden to others. And as much as I’ve always wanted to be helpful to others, I don’t reach out because I don’t feel I have anything to offer.
After 4 years of living with my disability and my daughter then 7 years old I became involved with Seven’s father. And after a month I discovered I was pregnant with him. I met him in march, by April I felt we ought to slow down take a break. I suddenly felt emotional. April 15th I was pregnant and upset. I considered adoption and abortion. I was disgusted. I knew Seven’s father wasn’t the man I wanted to be with. We were to much alike except I acknowledged the fact that I was hurt emotionally, mentally. Had been for 5 years from a relationship. And after being bitter from being disabled I was Pissed at God.
I had taken control of my life and clearly I had lost control of my life. I had put so much pressure on myself for making mistakes, back to back. I became rebellious and lost all belief in The Lord. I knew I had failed him, my family, mom, siblings, most of all myself.
Being involved with Seven’s dad woke me up, I knew I needed healing. I sought out for healing for spiritual coaches.
None seemed to work. I felt there was a wool being pulled over my head. I didn’t want to reach out to friends because I had already been perceived as a lost individual. A mother with poor guidance. I began to lose my trust in my friends because I could feel them judge me through the way they looked or their conversation. There was a lot said but no help. So I sought out on my own. I prayed. I got involved with a church. I put down my bitterness and anger towards Christians. I found a church to fellowship with. I started speaking my mind to even strangers on how I felt and what I was going through. I believe that some of those people were actually praying for me because I saw things moving in my favor. I continued reading my bible. A lot of the mistake I had made began to reveal themselves and I started to think (had I have kept reading….. I would’ve saw the red flag before I went forward in mistakes).
2014 my mother and sibling moved back to Illinois. I was now here in Tennessee alone. I continued classes to receive my Diploma. I missed my family I needed the feel of family for my children. I was 3 months pregnant when I got into church. I became involved in women resource programs and kept reading the bible. I didn’t seek for a partner because each time I’d done that I’d fail.
Pregnant and alone I fought temptation a lot. .I can’t say it worked. Lol. I longed for what that family. I desired it. But with him It wouldn’t happen. I’d keep hurting myself. I didn’t believe I deserved it. I kept fighting for something I wanted but before the end of 2014 , after sevens birth, I made the decision to quit my insane behavior.
It hurt.
I found my strength through a communion of women walking a path similar. Some my age, young and older. Many were already believers of Christ and I could sense a relationship between them and him. I could sense a stable foundation in their faith. One I needed.
The mothers became that shoulder I needed. They made themselves available for me during my pregnancy, they saw pass the fact that I was disabled. And offered to help me in use of my wheelchair. They showed my children love and I felt that not only did they accept me and my past , they held me accountable and helped me get healing.
Those women were From City Fellowship. I meet the mothers at Baby U.
-Ranisha