There is a quiet (and not so quiet) storm going on in my brain most of the time. As I am getting older and getting wiser I am understanding a lot about my life and where I come from. It can be bitter sweet. My grandmother raised me. Bless her heart, she did the best she could for me despite having a mental illness. For her, it wasn’t easy to live knowing that her mood was unpredictable. Feeling out of control is scary and depressing to say the least. I never understood it when the family said she had a chemical imbalance. Even in her weakest moments she was the strongest and most loving person I knew. And she was a hell cat (smile). Feeling hopeless for no reason at all, and then all of a sudden feeling revved up and euphoric on a day to day basis is exhausting mentally and physically. And now, years later, I am the same way. I understand. Sometimes I’m extremely energized or really agitated. Sometimes I’m sleeping more than normal and sometimes I can’t sleep at all. Oftentimes I feel guilty and doomed for no reason at all. I can’t hold down a job so I’m forced to be classified as “disabled” like my grandmother before me, I’m not close to my family anymore, and I barely have friends that I will socialize with, making me a loner now. And I’m either in a jolly mood or I’m irritable as ever. It’s not a good feeling to be called “crazy” for something that can’t really be helped (without medication or therapy). Ugh. Why do I have to live like this? Why did she have to live like that? It’s not easy living with Bipolar Depression Disorder.
Bipolar depression (formerly called manic depression), is a mental health deformity that causes extreme mood swings such as high (mania) and lows (depression) emotional swings. It’s a chemical imbalance that affects Dopamine levels and Serotonin levels in the brain. Dopamine is associated with emotions and thoughts. It also helps control body movement (and your motivation). So when the brain is low on Dopamine, slower movement can be expected and when an increase happens faster movement and motivation. Serotonin is a chemical released in the brain by nerve cells and controls the mood. Decreased levels lead to sadness and increased levels create a better mood. A person with Bipolar depression often feels sad, hopeless or loss of interest and pleasure in many activities.
There exist many similarities in the symptoms of Bipolar depression to regular depression, but it is definitely different. A person suffering from Bipolar depression may have feelings of restlessness, sleep a lot, and gain/lose lots of weight. In addition, they may develop psychotic depression (a condition in which you lose contact with reality) and such a person may experience a major problem in work and social activities.
Bipolar depression is often characterized by the following symptoms:
- Change in mood: feeling hopeless, loss of interest, mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, discontentment, guilt, and pleasure in activities
- Behavioral change: impulsivity, restlessness, irritability, risk-taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, aggression, agitation, crying, and self-harm
- Cognitive behavior: unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, and false belief of superiority
- Psychological: depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia
- Change in body weight: weight gain or weight loss
- Sleep: difficulty falling asleep or excess sleepiness and fatigue or pressure of speech
Having one sign alone does not mean you have Bipolar Depression Disorder. It’s best to seek professional opinions and true diagnosis. There is help through therapy and prescription pills as well as some natural alternatives. Also, the best help for Bipolar Depression Disorder is being aware of it. Knowledge is key and can definitely pull you “off the ledge” when episodes occur.
The best therapy for me is helping other people through their emotional hardships, especially with mental illness. Even therapists have therapists so I don’t feel bad at all. I’m able to help people get through life’s obstacles and that makes me feel a little bit more normal, whatever that is. If you are reading this post and you can relate to it by all means reach out to me at AtticaLundy@gmail.com. Together we can make a difference.
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