I never understood life, much less my purpose until I became a Mother. Everything didn’t click for me until my belly began to grow and I felt the first kicks of new life. It didn’t even completely register when I heard the baby’s heart beat for the very first time… I was about to embark on a serious life changing/molding journey. It was then in the midst of carrying this precious cargo that I realized, God gave me what I asked for: “Something to change my life for the better”. On the outside, I was seemingly successful but inside was a different story. I was hurting. I was empty and in a relationship with a man who loved my body more than he actually loved ME. Before having my little girl, my life revolved around journalism, blogging, music, and the arts scene of Atlanta. I was more concerned with chasing my dreams and getting ahead on my ambition to be successful doing everything that I loved. I’ll be honest and say that my daughter was not planned at all. At the end of the day, I was left with a choice: Embark on a new journey being somebody’s mama or terminate my pregnancy and lose my life trying to live with that decision.
Parenting is not a crystal stair. There is nothing easy about raising somebody. If you are like me, a single parent then you already know what the struggle is really like. Everyone knows that whenever you have a child you sacrifice your life. However, knowing of the plight versus relating to it is a totally different things. I love how motherhood has changed me. I love how it has made me think more full-circle. I love the fact that motherhood has calmed me down and I can actually hold my temper a lot better. I love the fact that the importance of motherhood is always in the back of my mind. Being a mother has forced me to think more logically and less emotionally. Now, before I make a critical move, I think: “what’s going to happen to the baby if I end up in a bad situation?”
When I was chasing my dreams I was just “okay”. I was not happy. I was painfully lonely and I needed something in my life. I even got a pitbull puppy I named Xango. Xango’s presence didn’t help at all. Now… My daughter was not a planned situation. Unfortunately, She did not come out of love. I knew that if I did decide to keep my daughter that I would be doing it alone. After watching my mother raise my sisters and I alone, I knew that everything was not going to be glitz and glam. Since becoming a mom I have given up things that I did not realize I would be giving up. My financial needs have also doubled, which is to be expected. What I didn’t expect was how time flies when you are raising a human being. It seems as though you start your day off early in the morning and then the day disappears. A simple trip to the store to pick up a few items for dinner can easily take an hour or more of your time. When you are a mother, you are a protector. You are a lioness.
I have also found that after having a child little things are taken for granted. For instance, I miss being able to eat my food without hiding it from a bossy toddler. That little girl is greedy and if she sees me eating something normally she wants for me to have a piece while she downs the whole thing. Motherhood has also crippled how mobile I am. It’s not as easy for me to pick up and go the way I used to. Before I do anything arrangement have to be made for my daughter. If there is an event that I want to cover or blog about on Blaqkharma.com, I will not be in attendance if childcare isn’t solid. I have missed many events… I even miss the fact that when I was a single woman living alone by myself in Atlanta, I could take a nap whenever I wanted to. I also could go all day without eating or eat later if I didn’t wanted to. Meals didn’t have to be so structured. When you have a child, even the most basic aspects of your life are forever changed (like using the bathroom without your 2-year-old busting the door wide open smiling saying “Heeeeeey).
Parenting like childhood is an adventure. You really do not know what to expect day to day. Only the strongest survive this life and do it well without mentally or emotionally scarring a child. At the same time, there are so many people that want to be blessed with this beautiful burden but cannot naturally make it happen. Our children are precious jewels. This is the one assignment that you cannot get a big fat “F” on. Failing isn’t an option. You must do better. You have to do this right. I miss a lot of aspects about my life before I had my daughter. However, my life has become full ever since the first moment that I looked into that little face that looked so much like mines. For me, becoming a mom and the sacrifices that come with it saved my life.
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