I didn’t know my own strength

I Didn’t Know My Own Strength.  I lost touch with reality when I was told I had Lupus, an autoimmune disease; while I didn’t really know what it was it did not sound good. My first thought was to try to find out as much as I could about the disease. I did so much research that you would have thought I was studying it in school. The more I read the more confused I became because the more I researched the more I found contradictions. I didn’t understand how no one really knew where it came from or how it attacks pretty much any part of the body it wanted. This disease could play shadow games and I felt like this is worst than cancer. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying cancer is a terrible disease and I would never wish it upon anyone but neither would I Lupus.


I lost sight of everything, I wanted to be alone and I didn’t want anyone to see me. To be honest I didn’t want to see myself. When you wake up in the morning and you look at yourself as you brush your teeth, wash your face, comb your hair you see who you are. What I seen was someone else, I didn’t see myself and I didn’t like who I seen. What I seen was a girl losing her hair and her face was so fat from the weight that she gained, the body she once knew was nowhere in sight. I isolated myself, the person my family and friends knew was gone, I wasn’t happy. I was always in pain and every time I went to the doctor I got another prescription. I had several different doctors because not only did I have more prescriptions but I had more diagnosis, more problems, more pills, more pain, more and more sadness. The things that were once important, the things I once enjoyed were now a mere glimpse of the past. Nothing sound like fun, I didn’t want to leave the house unless I was going to work and to be honest I didn’t want to do that.


As I went through the many different treatments and diagnoses that came along with lupus I thought I’d never make it and sometime I felt like I didn’t want to. I thought this couldn’t be life and I didn’t understand what set off the triggers in me to make lupus take off the way it did. I had gotten to a point that I was numb to the pain and I don’t mean physically, but mentally. I had gotten to the point that it no longer matter what the doctor said because I felt like I had heard it all. I have been diagnosed and treated for more things than I can even remember, I was taking so many different medications that I can’t even tell you what they were anymore. I was like a little robot test dummy, take this medicine and let’s see how it works. If that one didn’t work try these 3 because together they are the same. Until I woke up one day and I said I think I’ve had enough, I stopped taking everything! (Do not do this) I found a means of healing in reading my bible and working out. There is nothing I cannot do with the power of God in me and with me at all times.


I didn’t know my own strength, when I came to realize that Lupus was not who I was but simply a part of myself, I felt invincible. I started slowly to work out and as I watched the weight drop, it gave me power. I started to go harder and it was now a part of me again. I started to get out the house, hangout with family and friends and I began to reclaim my identity. The person I had felt like was long gone was back, new and improved! There wasn’t anything I couldn’t do, I may not have been able to do it on the 1st realized that slow isn’t always bad, as long as the end result is the same, who cares how long it took to get there. I became more active in thing I liked to do. I realized that my story could help other so whether I shared it or not I was always trying to encourage others. They say you shouldn’t complain because it can always be worse. When you have been worse you learn to appreciate everything! Having lupus taught me to appreciate life and everyone in it. I have to say that once I had gotten out of my pity party I realized how many people were rooting for me and that feeling alone can’t be explained. Today I am more involved in things I never thought to be possible. I am not yet where I want to be but I am far from where I was. So my advice is have your pity party and when you’re done pick up your crown and keep fighting. Lupus is a part of you, it does not define you.


When you have an invisible illness it’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have a clue what that it is a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside when you look fine on the outside.

Ms. Hollywood


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